Hellraiser: Hellworld

Hellraiser: Hellworld (Hellraiser 8) is a pretty bad film. Straight to DVD and filmed back to back with Hellraiser: Deader (Fucking Deader? Seriously? It’s numero seven in the franchise) are the best signs this was going to blow more than Tara Reid’s average Friday. However, there is some positive signs, good reasons for why I jumped from Hellraiser 3 to 8:

1.        The tagline is “Evil Goes Online”. A Hellraiser film revolving around a video game? I’m in.

2.       Lance Freakin’ Henriksen. I’m doubly in.

3.       Last film to star Doug Bradley before he said “Fuck it, I can do better.”

4.       Five million dollar budget, that’s five times more than the original.

But alas, against all odds, it turned out utter shit. Want a plot summary? Well tough, because there is none. I’m just going to jump in headfirst, like Tara Reid selecting movie roles, into my biggest fudging problem.

THEY DON’T FRICKEN GO ONLINE.

Come the fuck on, don’t advertise it and not show it. That’s like Jason X not being in space (or Manhattan) or Jaws 3D with no sharks or 3D, it’d just be a SeaWorld commercial. It’d be like seeing an American Pie film without Tara Reid, the franchise just falls apart. I’m flabbergasted. They do kinda-sorta-almost show the game near the start but it’s just a fuckin’ flash point and click game. The kids act like it’s as addicting as crack or World of Warcraft but no, McDonald’s have more advanced games on their Happy Meals for Moses sake. FIVE MILLION DOLLARS. Somebody could of mocked up all the “in-game” footage for a couple grand, sure it’d look like shit, but compared to this, it’d be Half-Life 3 (This joke will be dated once HL3 comes out in 2021)

This was all I asked for. 

The cast vary from absolute awfulness to “Well, at least they are having fun.” Ol’Lance falls into the latter. I mean the guy doesn’t chew the scenery so much as swallow it whole, he devours anyone else’s screen presence and absorbs their souls too I guess. He actually turned down the role of Frank in the first film and a competent writer would have written Lance’s character to be more like Frank and less like Jigsaw from Saw. This film actually does have a lot of Saw vibes, practically being a poorer yet more expensive rip-off. That’s like if Snakes on a Train had a bigger budget than Snakes on a Plane AND had Lance Henriksen.

One thing though, Henry Cavill is in this. Yup, Supes himself. Want to take a guess how well he performs? Correct, utter shit. Didn’t even know he was in this until I saw his gormless mug on my screen. Boy when they re-release this (Blu-Ray, 16 disc special edition) they will plaster his name all of it, probably bill him higher than Doug Bradley too.

Here he is showcasing his full emotional range.

The ending is pretty neat tho’, after a dumbass plot-hole inducing twist where Pinhead was just a hallucination because the kids had been drugged by Lance because his son died playing the game with them and they didn’t save him or some wank. In the last scenes Lance solves the puzzle box and Pinhead, Chatterer and a new (Maybe not, might of missed out his crucial introduction in parts 4-7) Cenobite appear for realsies and its suddenly like the first film again, with Lance about to be the new Frank. Then boom, end of film and credits.  Fuck you Hellworld. Don’t make me sit through an hour and fifteen minutes of garbage then tack five minutes of awesome at the end. I wouldn’t watch the Good, the Bad & the Ugly if I had to wade through a river of shit to get to the standoff.

I will give it the movie some credit though, while the sets and locations are gloriously clichéd, the gore effects are actually alright. Not as original and creative as the first instalment but definitely of Saw quality. Bradley still looks good as Pinhead, so that’s a relief, was expecting Anthony Hopkins in Red Dragon but got Stallone in Rocky Balboa instead. Make up and costumes still look great for the cenobites also.

"Woah, you alright bra?"

I don’t know what else to say, I assume you aren’t all rushing out to buy it. I gotta say, I don’t hate this movie, it’s actually pretty funny and at least it conjured a few laughs out of me. That’s 100% more entertainment than the third movie right there. Still, it’s a shit film and probably for completists only. Unless you get an erection for mid-2000’s Saw knockoffs, then you are in for a treat.

21/100 “Still bitter about the lack of a Hellraiser MMORPG”

PS. Love you Tara.