Isolation

Inspired by battling insomnia and the experiences dealing with it.

I clamped down on my tongue hard and a trickle of life-stream fills my mouth. I know I am alive. I swallow the blood before they notice. They always notice. Any time I act in a manner that displeases them, they release a sleeping agent into my world.

Not that I know who they are. I've never seen them, nor heard them. I sense them though. Watching, always watching. I don't know how long I've been here either. Here being my world, my room, my prison. It's eight by eight, or at least that is the size I've decided on today. The walls, floor and roof are covered with white padding, soft mattress like padding coated with a hard cover. Not quite foam, not quite plastic. There are no windows and the only way to tell the passage of time is that every twelve hours the white confines turn to black and the isolation continues in complete darkness. I tried counting the days this way. I failed.

The cell is soundproofed completely and I don't know if there is an echo. It's maddening to hear your heart beat, the sound of your breath sucking up through your gullet. I can speak out loud and not know whether I heard the sound or I just thought it. The microcosm of my brain is my own dimension to retreat into. Yet I can hear the electric circuits buzzing around in my head forcing me into consciousness.

I don't think I am mad. Perhaps I was for a while but overcame it. Or adjusted to it. Can one really be sane trapped like this? My senses are slowly dying, I can't remember taste, they feed when they put me to sleep. I tried licking and biting myself and still nothing. Touch is fading too, although I feel the beat of my pulse constantly. I once masturbated in front of what I assume is the front of the room, it is the only wall with a difference, it has the nozzle to release the gas. It is an all seeing eye too, I'm sure of it. I did it to see if I could still feel somewhat human, or maybe to show them I could be as crazy as they desired.

I have tried to commit suicide countless times and every time they foil it. I cannot starve myself, nor can I fashion a noose out of the pyjamas they supply. Once I tried biting my veins but alas it was in vain. Death is an escape out of my reach.

Recently, or as recent as I can recall, I have begun staying awake as long as possible. Deriving myself of sleep has caused the hallucinations to become more intense and longer in duration. I don't mind, they usually manifest as blurred shadows or occasionally, a humanoid. I've long forgotten what a human face looks like and the humanoid never has one. Just two dark sockets for eyes over a blank mask. It never speaks but I don't mind, I feel a little less lonely with it in my room.

I believe I have mastered beating their sleep inducing toxin, I can realistically simulate absent consciousness and I am in complete control  of my breathing intake. They will watch me, remove me and clean me up to their satisfaction and I will be awake for it. I've been waiting an eternity in solitude to confront my captors and finally it has arrived. Excitement pours in for the first time in years and I begin to get nervous it shows on my face. I try to keep my expression to a minimum to not amuse them, this mental and physical torture won't break me.

Tonight's the night. I open my eyes outside my penitentiary for the what feels like the first time. I escape confinement and the shackles of my desolation are freed. They will notice quickly and there is a chance I may be punished. I don't care. Freedom from this confinement is the only thing I care about. I can barely contain myself, I can't wait but I must. I clamp down hard on my tongue again to reassure myself. Tonight is the night.

KRS 2013